Not the mama!

Over the years I have found that being a mom and what that means can change from day to day. And even when you have been a mom for a number of years, it still doesn't mean that you can accurately define what it is to be a mom. The one thing that I know for certain is that a lot of what I do and how I parent comes from an emotional place. I may do certain things based on how I was parented but for the most part I go by feeling. Now that's not to say that I always feel great about every decision I make but I'm always trying to learn from my experiences. Being emotional in any relationship has its benefits and its consequences but for me in the parental realm that pendulum swings fast and hard.

Lately I've become extremely emotional when it comes to my youngest daughter who is now fourteen months old. She's gotten a huge leap in her independence with walking and now we are able to distinguish all of her quirky sounds to her needs and wants. So in the past couple of months life has gotten a bit easier for me, with the exception of separation anxiety. And it's not separation from me that's the problem, it's the separation from my wife. 

I'm the stay-at-home mom and my wife works. Fortunately my wife is able to work from home half of the week and goes into the office the other half. But home or not, little one often feels the pangs of missing mommy when she's at work and that can sometimes make me feel like the odd mom out. The times that my wife works from home are the hardest. Little one knows that mommy is downstairs in the office working. She can hear her voice on the conference call and she can hear the keys from the keyboard clacking away. I'm sure in her mind she's thinking Well why can't I just go down there? Seriously I can hear her. So at times she'll stand at the top of the stairs and make loud noises to get her attention. I can almost translate her baby grunts to mean Hello, I can hear you. I know you're down there. Why won't you come up and play? And guess who's standing right there wanting to play? Me.

Now, I totally understand the science of it all. My wife gave birth to our youngest so naturally the bond is a bit stronger. On the flip side of that I have a close bond with our oldest who I gave birth to. I get it! But I was there when my wife was pregnant and my face was the first face little one saw when she was born. I held her at night so that she could sleep and bottle-fed her breast milk throughout the day. So I can't say there isn't a twinge of pain when little one falls and gets a scratch and reaches her arms out for mommy rather than me. Or when I hold my arms out to carry her and she pushes them away cause she's already in mommy's arms. 

I know what you're going to say cause I've heard some of it already.

1. It's only a phase, she'll grow out of it.

2. She knows you're her mother too she just misses your wife when she's at work.

3.  All kids go back and forth between their parents.

Logically I understand all of that but it doesn't make it hurt any less.