Not the mama!

Over the years I have found that being a mom and what that means can change from day to day. And even when you have been a mom for a number of years, it still doesn't mean that you can accurately define what it is to be a mom. The one thing that I know for certain is that a lot of what I do and how I parent comes from an emotional place. I may do certain things based on how I was parented but for the most part I go by feeling. Now that's not to say that I always feel great about every decision I make but I'm always trying to learn from my experiences. Being emotional in any relationship has its benefits and its consequences but for me in the parental realm that pendulum swings fast and hard.

Lately I've become extremely emotional when it comes to my youngest daughter who is now fourteen months old. She's gotten a huge leap in her independence with walking and now we are able to distinguish all of her quirky sounds to her needs and wants. So in the past couple of months life has gotten a bit easier for me, with the exception of separation anxiety. And it's not separation from me that's the problem, it's the separation from my wife. 

I'm the stay-at-home mom and my wife works. Fortunately my wife is able to work from home half of the week and goes into the office the other half. But home or not, little one often feels the pangs of missing mommy when she's at work and that can sometimes make me feel like the odd mom out. The times that my wife works from home are the hardest. Little one knows that mommy is downstairs in the office working. She can hear her voice on the conference call and she can hear the keys from the keyboard clacking away. I'm sure in her mind she's thinking Well why can't I just go down there? Seriously I can hear her. So at times she'll stand at the top of the stairs and make loud noises to get her attention. I can almost translate her baby grunts to mean Hello, I can hear you. I know you're down there. Why won't you come up and play? And guess who's standing right there wanting to play? Me.

Now, I totally understand the science of it all. My wife gave birth to our youngest so naturally the bond is a bit stronger. On the flip side of that I have a close bond with our oldest who I gave birth to. I get it! But I was there when my wife was pregnant and my face was the first face little one saw when she was born. I held her at night so that she could sleep and bottle-fed her breast milk throughout the day. So I can't say there isn't a twinge of pain when little one falls and gets a scratch and reaches her arms out for mommy rather than me. Or when I hold my arms out to carry her and she pushes them away cause she's already in mommy's arms. 

I know what you're going to say cause I've heard some of it already.

1. It's only a phase, she'll grow out of it.

2. She knows you're her mother too she just misses your wife when she's at work.

3.  All kids go back and forth between their parents.

Logically I understand all of that but it doesn't make it hurt any less.

How many more years do I have to run?

Hello blog readers! It's been a while since I last posted anything and I feel bad that it's been such a long time. Quite a bit has been going on and frankly I have used my "free time" to veg out and watch endless hours of meaningless television. Every time I would think about sitting down to check in and say hi, Ladies of London came on or Real Housewives of New York. And I simply HAVE to see what the next costume idea will be for Holly and Jessica on Heroes of Cosplay. But I'm back cause I've missed you all (and I hope you missed me). Anywho time for BGM updates. That's Black Geek Mom just so you know.

The biggest update (and the main one that is taking over my life) is that my little one is now walking. Yup! She's so happy to start walking that sitting or being still has become a thing of the past. While walking has calmed her down a bit she does have an occasional tantrum when she has to be carried. I have her on her feet as much as I can which serves two purposes for me:
1. Keep her happy and quiet.
2. Wear her out for nap and bedtime.

The one thing that I seemed to have forgotten about this early stage of walking is that I spend all of her awake time being her personal bodyguard. The minute after she wakes up and drinks her milk we're off and running. We have a two story house so the second floor is her domain. Usually I have her running around her room, my room or both depending on how active I want to be that day. If I'm feeling extra frisky I'll bring her down to the first floor with all the wonderful dangers at her beck and call. Things like cords for the TV sound system, tile, door knobs that don't lock, sharp edges EVERYWHERE! I mean forget about going outside and worrying about things that could hurt your baby, you have plenty of hazards right in the comfort of your own home.

So then there are times when I'm feeling like supermom and I decide to take little one out of the house. Like the day that I wanted to go to my all time favorite store, Barnes and Noble, and thought it would be a great idea if little one came along. I should have realized that just because she can walk doesn't mean that she'll want to do what I want. How ridiculous of me! A thirteen month old's attention span is amazingly short so we spent our time bouncing back and forth from one side of the section to the next.

When six o'clock rolls around I'm so tired that the thought of doing anything else brings tears to my eyes. Why tears? Because trying to muster up one ounce of energy takes serious and deliberate thought. As a runner and someone who is training for a marathon in November I must say that running 13 miles every week is much easier than running after a toddler. I heard an endurance athlete once say that being a parent is ultimate endurance race. Touché sir, touché.